another oldie but goodie

March 2008, shortly before I found out I was pregnant with my first child:

last night i went out...i do go out from time to time...it's not completely foreign to me. but last night i re-lived my "i just dropped out of college years". i drank...more than i should have perhaps...but i didn't have to drive. we started at good night gracies, like any self-respecting 30 something, a couple martinis to a girl who rarely drinks...well you get what i mean. then off to the blind pig, to watch a boy that i've watched there before. so here shows the age...the first time i watched his band was their first gig at the pig, this time was a reunion. the first time i saw him play i met his parents, this time i met his second wife...fuck, i'm getting so old! i saw an old roommate, whom i had actually forgotten that i lived with until i saw him. i also saw the boy that tried to teach me the guitar that i bought when i thought maybe if i learn a chord or two i could start my own girly band. so a few more drinks, the music ended and off to (get this one) the fleetwood for hippy hash and orange fanta. so sitting there i literally had flashbacks to days gone by! we rolled into the house around 3am, i climbed into bed with my 30 something T and poof...i was 32 again.

so this blog seemed to be all about seeing boys that i knew back in the day…so you might ask, didn't you see any of the girls that you used to know?  the answer to that is simple…absolutely not!  you know why? i'll tell you, they were all home with their husbands and babies and minivans!

a failed marriage?

So I just rediscovered my MySpace blogs. Kind of funny to read things written long ago in a different world than I'm in today! So this is from 2007:

Thanks to Ray, I've been rethinking my parents' relationship…like maybe their marriage didn't "fail" but just changed.  My mom called my dad on Thursday to wish him a happy birthday and he told me that it was the best thing that had happened to him all day…they've been divorced for 22 years.  Two weekends ago we had a family camp in my mom's backyard, my mom, dad, sister, brother, niece, cousin and his two kids.  My folks stayed up after we had all gone to bed just playing with the campfire (a small fire pit actually, but it worked for smores) and then had an argument over whether to let it burn out or pour buckets of water of it…my mom won with the buckets of course.  I mean don't get me wrong, they bitch about each other all the time, they argue, there were even years that were dreadful and yucky, there have been chairs thrown and hearts broken…but did the relationship fail just because they got divorced instead of one of them dying?  Perhaps I'm just fucked up, perhaps relationships are meant for those levels of intensity, that much love and hate, but the pictures that T took of the six of us (Mom, Dad, Sis, Brother, H and I) playing baseball in my backyard are priceless and I cannot see failure in the equation!  I mean not the best pictures of any of us...but we sure had a laugh!

Their marriage, their divorce and everything that has followed, left us with a family unit that works…most of the time.

yoga and target

I went to yoga on Thursday. I've gone a few times before and it was okay. My old Al-Anon sponsor was a lovely yoga instructor and I enjoyed one of her classes and I did prenatal yoga a few times and it was decent. My first yoga experience is the only one I can say was probably not optimal...I feel asleep whilst concentrating on the breathing and woke up to everyone rolling up their mats. But Thursday I fell in love! I'm beginning a relationship with the mat! Perhaps it was Ita's voice or the words that she said. Perhaps it was that there were women (and a man) of all different sizes, ages and abilities. Perhaps it was the lovely studio or music. Or perhaps:

Whatever it was, I proceeded to Target and purchased a lovely green yoga mat, some clearanced yoga pants and shirt and realized that it's the first time since he left that I was alone, without children (and not at work). I had a night to myself. Yoga and Target and me.

learning to enjoy peeing alone...

I love being a mum, I really do! I’m the kind of mum that has children climbing all over them, the kind that answers every question, even when I’m on the phone. There are some days though, that I feel if I hear mama one more time I may just lose it.  For real, some days are just too much!!!

And then, there are days like today.  He picked them up to take them to the mall. I had to go to work and he would bring them back after. They go to sleep each night at my house, but for some reason today it hit me. I was sad. I was sad to walk them away from my house, walk them to his car that now has me scratched off.

 

I'm not sure how I'll do when they start going to Daddy's house...when he gets a stable one that is. Maybe it was the rainy, gloomy day. Maybe it was the lack of consistency taking my Zoloft. Maybe it's that little man has been struggling a bit with him. Whatever it was it was a hard day leaving them! 

Oh well, this too shall pass and tomorrow I'm sure I'll be thinking again, seriously can I just take a pee alone?

can she see me on the toilet?

So I need some direction! I have been referred to go see this amazing psychic and I'm really excited about it, she sounds AMAZING! But as a mother I have to multi-task! So while phone calls are generally made while the kids a sleeping or watching television (not very responsible mum I know!). But this morning while little man was at school and little miss playing in her pack-and-play while I took a pee, I figured I would call to schedule an appointment. As I was leaving a message, I thought oh shit, if she can do phone readings will see be able to tell I'm peeing?!?!?!?!?

fucking grocery shopping

So normally I love grocery shopping. I know it's a bit odd but I do. However, grocery shopping with two kids is mildly challenging! So why little man is in preschool I try to take little miss and hit up the K-town! I shop and shop, oh shit I forgot diapers, blah, blah, blah. Of course because it's mid-day there is only one line open. So here I go, load up the conveyor belt while the 60-something cashier finishes cashing out the 70-something woman ahead of me. Now she's got re-useable grocery bags, which is great for the environment, however 60-something cashier/baggers struggle with this concept. And oh, lets not forget that the customer can not lift bags that are too heavy so only one item per bag please. And oh, tick-tock, tick-tock, I have to pick little man up in 25...now 20...now 15 minutes. A 50-something bagger comes to help, wow, that was close. What the fuck is the cashier doing? No, no, no, you can't take off your apron and walk away. Now 10 minutes until pick up. And cue little miss beginning to cry. Oh fuck you all, I don't have time for this. The kids will have to have frozen chicken nuggets and skim milk (not organic) for lunch because someone is a fuck-up....I'm just not sure who it was just yet.

here's where the story ends...

so T said that he's moving out Monday. My ex, recovering alcoholic, unemployed, baby daddy is moving into a sublet studio right downtown for the summer. Yes, I'm worried about relapse. Yes, I'm scared he'll meet some hot, young girl. Yes, I'm worried about being alone all the time with the kids and no help...when do I shower or take out the trash? But mostly, I'm terribly sad! I kept thinking that eventually he would change his mind, eventually he would realize that me and our family were too good to walk away from. How can he leave? How can he just walk away from 15 years? I can't believe this is really the way this story ends!